Those Three Words

He didn’t have to do anything.

His eyes rested, mind deep in thought.

Headphones heavy over his ears, the type that blocks out the world around you.

I knew he was struggling. He always pulled out music when he was trying to avoid something.

But in that moment; that single, defining moment, with his hair glowing like fresh caramel against the blazing setting sun, I knew.

He was conflicted, yes. We were both men, yes. But I didn’t care.

In that moment, I had a need deep in the pit of my stomach to be with him. Forever. To stay by his side, day and night. To overcome anything with him.

To

Simply

Be.

With him.

I was staring. Others began to give me glances. Did he notice? Did he even mind?

I wanted time to stop in this moment. For the train to run forever. For the earth to stop moving. For my legs to never get tired.

So I can see him from above. His whole body, slouched in the seat and arms cramped to his sides.

To me, there was no one else on the train.

“Yun.”

Silence.

I don’t think he heard me. He might have even fallen asleep.

I need him to look at me with those beady brown eyes. I need him to realize that I love him.

I need to speak louder.

I nudged his leg with my foot, and he peeked open one eye. They made their way up, inspecting every inch of my body. An aspect of intimacy made a shiver run down my spine.

I tried to convey with my eyes what my mouth hesitated to speak in the moment.

I only succeeded in telling him that I wanted to talk to him.

He took off an earbud.

No.

I need him to hear me clearly.

Like always, he understood.

He took both earphones out, and paused his music.

His eyes looked up at me, once again, expectant. Confused. Relaxed. He even sat up.

I took a deep breath. I need to keep eye contact. I have to—no. I need to tell him.

“I accept you.”

His eyes widened.

He wanted to hear this.

He needed to hear this.

But his problems didn’t vanish. They weren’t going to melt away with honeyed words.

But I nudged him in the right direction. I told him that it was okay. I told him that I need him. I told him that we didn’t need our private life to be held to the public’s standards.

He looked relieved then, if only for a moment.

I thought I saw a smile.