A Grave Secret
Leon watched as his hands turned white from griping the cup too hard for too long. He came in early, so he would have time to think of what to say to him when they met again. It had been fifteen minutes from his last sip of coffee. He was sure it was cold by now.
Most patrons ordered their coffee and left in a rush. Others sat by the windows and popped open their laptops or tablets. Leon was too busy in his own head to notice the clinking forks, the typing, the low morning mumbles, and the door ding as another customer came in.
It had been three months straight. Dreams and dreams of him and Deftrin. Some of it were menial, like grocery shopping or cuddling or doing things in the rain. Some of it was intense in a sexual nature, waking himself up at night from the sheer intensity. Some of it were plain nightmares: Dying in each other's arms, or car crashes. Some of it was just a feeling of emptiness, of never seeing him again or having him in his life. Never seeing that dimpled smile again. Those were the ones where he woke up sweating and crying.
Today he was going to put an end to it.
"Pumpkin spice latte and pumpkin spice coffee cake." Leon jumped, and watched as Deftrin pointed and smiled at his food.
Leon exhaled, attempting to hide his smile. "You scared me!" He said, and rubbed his palms together under the table.
"It's October. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?" Leon smiled this time, slipping back in the routine where he was content to just watching. Just being with him. "Why did you choose such an early time?" Deftrin added through a mouthful of Leon’s coffee cake he stole.
Leon shrugged as he placed his elbows on the table, hands drawing close to his face. "I felt like it," he lied. He would have all day to get over it, should things go wrong. His leg began to bounce in nervousness now that his hands couldn’t shake.
Deftrin hummed as another fork of food went into his food. He looked up, laughed, and held a fork of his food in front of Leon's mouth. Leon opened, happily taking the fork into his mouth. An indirect kiss. He had a dream of this sort once—Him feeding Deftrin straight from the stove as he cooked. "What are you smiling at?"
Leon snapped out of his thoughts, his supposed smile now gone. He looked everywhere but Deftrin. "Oh...Uh, just remembering a dream I had."
Deftrin stared for a moment, before he nodded and went back to eating.
Leon still didn't know what to say. How to say it. When to say it. Should he just confess? Or warm up to the topic?
"Alright what is it?" Deftrin had been done with his coffee cake for however long he was in his thoughts, and was now staring at him with his latte between his hands.
He still didn't know how to word it. Instead, Leon stared at the other, watching as his face went from confusion to concern. However, he was familiar with Leon, and would give him the time he needed to form the words. Defrin was patient like that. It’s what he loved the most about him. But the problem was, Leon had been trying to form the words all morning, and still nothing came up.
A wave of guilt slammed in to him as his mind began to wander. Deftrin was taking time out of day to talk with him. He was probably busy today and here Leon was, taking his sweet time, trying to confess. "I'm sorry. I just...don't know how to say it." Leon hung his head, waiting for mockery.
It never came. "That's alright. Take your time."
Leon glanced up while he tried to keep his uncontrollable bouncing leg still. He took a sip of his coffee, not realizing it was now the complete opposite of hot. His face scrunched in disgust, and he slid the cup away, mentally kicking himself for waiting so long.
Deftrin laughed for the second time that day, a bit longer than the first, deeper. His dimples showed off his cheeks, made more pronounced with the smile lines. Leon licked his lips, somewhat happy to see Deftrin laugh, even at the cost of his own misfortune.
His laughter died down to a smile, and they shared a glance. Deftrin looked away first, but Leon couldn't bring himself to do it. He wanted to study every inch of his face, as if he hadn't done it dozens of times already. Leon was so lost in thought when Deftrin finally looked at him—really looked at him. He felt his face growing warmer the longer he stared, growing more embarrassed. For once he had no urge to look away.
Neither did. For the longest moments of his life, they stared. Eventually the embarrassment faded away, and was replaced with lust. He could feel his face heat up in a blush as his thoughts wandered. What would happen if Leon just grabbed his collar, yanked him forward, and smashed their lips together? A commotion for sure.
That's when he decided. It would be better to be knowingly lost in Deftrin's eyes, to have his heart flutter every time he smiled at him, to silently care for him the rest of their days, than it would be to be ostracized by him. He would rather have people suspect than outright know. Make jokes with him and tease him all day long, and not have to worry about things getting awkward.
Leon would only have to worry about himself. Deftrin could stay safe, whatever safe would be. Leon stood, and hung his head. "I can't say it. I'm sorry to have wasted your time." He hastily gathered his stuff before rushing out the door.
He didn't bother looking back. The door dinged as he exited, hearing a feint "Thank you" before the door swung closed. Another ding and he figured Deftrin followed him. The other called out after him. Leon ignored him, and got in his car.
He was about to slam it shut when figure's hand closed around the door frame and forced it to stay open. Deftrin huffed, staring, bewildered at him. Confusion and worry written on his face. Worry for him. Leon couldn't stand to look at it, for once. He knew this wasn't the right thing to do. He could have made an excuse, or lied. Instead, he backed away, like a coward.
"I-I don't understand! Can't say what? Why did you call me out here? Please, Leon, talk to me." Deftrin stammered out, eyes wide and filled with fear.
Leon could make up an excuse now, but nothing he could think of can explain the situation he created. His mouth opened and closed, like a fish out of water. He couldn't think of a single lie that could get him out of this. Frustration and pressure built up before he gave up and in to his instincts.
His hand released the latch on the door, and reached to Deftrin's collar. Not wanting to yank him too hard, he leaned forward also. The world slowed down just enough for Leon to see Deftrin's face morph into surprise right before their lips touched.
Leon didn't allow them to linger. He ignored the tingling feeling in them, determined to not let himself dwell on something he could never have again. Leon leaned back, his face scrunched up in anger and sadness and hurt.
Deftrin didn't relax, but he wasn't angry either. "Oh," was all he said. Deftrin leaned back, and away from him.
Leon sighed, and looked away. He didn't want to see his face. He didn't want him to see his tears. "I'm sorry. I didn't know how else to put it."
Deftrin didn't move for several seconds. The door held open, with neither wanting to touch it. "I love you, Leon, but..." He sighed. "Not like that."
"I understand." The tears fell, but he made no move to dry them, lest Deftrin realize. "Just, please don't tell anyone."
"Alright." Leon didn't realize he was holding his breath. He clenched his hands, trying to stop them from shaking. Soon the knuckles turned white. "Wanna go to karaoke, or something? With the group. Later."
Leon's silence almost broke just then. He choked back his tears and smiled. He opened his mouth, and drew in a shaky breath but thought better of it after hearing it wobble. Afraid his voice would give him away, he nodded fast.
Deftrin let out a breath of air. His voice was light and Leon could picture the relief on his face. "Cool. Cool. I'll see you later, then." The door closed with a firm shut.
At the last second, Leon watched as he walked away. He sniffed, and wiped the tears from his face when he was sure Deftrin was gone.
His heart burned, but he didn't lose a friend, at least.